#1 Reflections - Acceptance

"Life is a blank canvas of possibilities; you are in control of what the finished picture could look like."

There was a time in my life in early 2020 when I had lost myself. I lost my sanity, my relationship, my goals everything! I hadn't felt such aimlessness in my life.

My consciousness had shaped my reality by restricting my own value in my eyes. It was as if I did not hold any value to the world more than my pay package. I blamed God for all the things that happened to me. I blamed people for politics during my placements. Every morning I woke up to feeling like a loser and envied other's achievements and paychecks. My focus had shifted from myself to the impact others had on me, my life and my career. 
My Baba (father) says, "Morning shows the day". But I just wouldn't wake up and see the sun anymore, which I used to love so much. Every morning, when I used to look at myself in the mirror I couldn't recognize the person I had become. I struggled with self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem on a daily basis.
But the universe usually has different plans for you. It sends you signals in mysterious ways. On one sleepless night, I was wide awake till 4.30 am in the morning. I went out and sat on the bench in our frontyard. When the whole world stood still, I heard the euphonies of nature. I closed my eyes and sat there listening to the birds, crickets and wind. An essence of peace washed over me that I hadn't felt in years. Come twilight, I was in total harmony with myself. It was as if nature spoke to me, early in the morning, "this too shall pass". 

The fascinating thing is, it never occurred to me that it might be me, who was making things worse. The thing I used to be proud of was 'taking care of my body and health' and even that was long gone because of my regular alcohol and junk food consumption. By that time, my back pain had resurfaced and my mental health had taken a serious hit. I could not feel being myself anymore. Conveying and communicating this to someone else was difficult. 

Then I realized what had happened to me.

1. I had been in denial that my problems aren't mine but what others threw at me.

2. I had forsaken eating and drinking healthy.

3. I had stopped pursuing my passion and hobbies.

4. I had stopped taking pleasure in the small things in life

Coming back to the present, I believe it's the feelings you receive while listening to an unspoken language that matters more rather than comprehending it.  My heart smiled, feeling the wind on my face. I could see nature welcoming me. I could feel the birds, crickets and the wind telling me that I can take one step at a time to rebuild my faith in myself. And I took it's advice.

I haven't looked back since and I am constantly in the state of becoming. I don't know why we become a version of ourself which we detest. I don't know why we always let our inner demons take over. But I do know now that once you are at your lowest point in life, you can't go any lower than that. The only way is up!

Let me know in the comments below if you felt this lately. :)

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